Guide to Britain: Lady Chelsea

(Borat is sitting in a room with Lady Chelsea)

Borat - I am here now with Lady Chelsea to learn how to be real gentleman. It very nice to meet you.

(Borat hugs Lady Chelsea)

Borat - How can you tell if someone is polite when you first meet them?

Lady Chelsea - You don't really. Perhaps it's the way they say hello and shake your hand?

Borat - Is the way I dress nice?

(Borat is wearing blue/grey suit, grey shirt and grey tie)

Lady Chelsea - It is not a typically English way to dress.

Borat - And my shoes is good? It is from the Shoe Express in Oxford Street.

Lady Chelsea - Yes that's fine.

Borat - What do, we will eat at dinner?

Lady Chelsea - Lunch.

(The scene advances to Borat, Lady Chelsea and two others in a room about to eat lunch)

Lady Chelsea - Charlotte, this is Borat.

Borat - How do you do? How do you do?

Lady Chelsea - Bodrick, this is Borat.

Borat - How do you do? How do you do?

(all have full glasses of wine)

Bodrick - Shall we have a toast? To Jenny and to television.

Borat - To Jenny. To television.

(they click glasses and then Borat proceeds to drink all of his wine in one go - the others have barely sipped theirs)

Borat - mmmm - it nice!

Charlotte - Do you have wine in Kazakhstan?

Bodrick - The real idea if someone gives you a nice glass of white wine. You should sip it. Imagine you are making love, you don't want to do it too quickly.

Borat - To make love? To have the sex?

Lady Chelsea - Now you are going to confuse him.

Charlotte - Slowly, everything slowly.

Borat - Ah yes, I like to last a long time! Very good.

(the scene returns to the Borat and Lady Chelsea sitting in the room)

Borat - And what subject to talk about?

Lady Chelsea - Anything really. Depends who starts it. You could start off by... anything which comes into your head really...

(the scene again advances to the dinner table)

Borat  - mmm this is very nice. My wife she is dead.

Bodrick - What happened?

Borat - She died in the field.

Lady Chelsea - How?

Borat - She died for work, but with an accident. But is not important I have a new wife.

(the scene returns to the Borat and Lady Chelsea sitting in the room)

Borat - Is it OK to talk about what I did last night?

Lady Chelsea - Yes, as long as you don't go into lots of details whether it would be... Whether it would be... I don't know... Yes if you said, "I went to see a film last night".

(the scene again advances to the dinner table)

Borat - Last night I have sex.

Lady Chelsea - I told you you shouldn't mention what you did last night!

Bodrick - No no.

Borat - I say what I did last night?

Charlotte - But you could say, "I had a lovely time last night"

Borat - But she was nice! She was a lovely.

(the scene returns to the Borat and Lady Chelsea sitting in the room)

Borat - How do I say? I don't want to go... What if I need to do a toilet?

Lady Chelsea - You just say, "You'll have to excuse me for a while".

Borat - For a while?

(the scene again advances to the dinner table)

Borat - Please excuse me. I'll go for a minute. Please excuse me.

Charlotte - Certainly

(scene jumps to Borat returning - he has obviously taken a little bit longer than expected)

Bodrick - Here he comes.

Lady Chelsea - OK

Charlotte - Would you like some more potato and peas because you haven't had any meat. Would you like some?

Bodrick - Or would you like to have a lovely dessert?

Charlotte - A sweet?

Borat - Yes a dessert. Thank you. I had a good shit.

Bodrick - You know what the Chinese say when they've had a good meal? They do a horrendous amount of gurking and burping.

Borat - What is gurking?

Bodrick - Well, you go...

Borat - BURP

Borat - High five! High five!

(Borat gives Bodrick a 'high five')

Bodrick - Goodness gracious me!

Borat - You do one!

Bodrick - I can't do one.

Charlotte - I can't do one.

Borat - BURP

Charlotte - Don't do that!

Borat - BURP

(the scene again advances to everybody preparing to say goodbye)

Lady Chelsea - Nice to have met you.

Borat - I can do this?

(Borat hugs her for a little too long)

(Borat then kisses Bodrick on both cheeks and then lets out a roar and points at Bodrick's nose)

Borat - You big nose!

Borat - It was very nice to have met you. To have met you